Separation anxiety. The unwanted guest who let itself in exactly thirteen months ago, without sensing the least bit of my annoyance. Of course, I was taken aback by the intrusion but its force was too overpowering for me to resist. If anything, its presence was called for rather than soothing.
Maybe it decided to accompany me for weeks, or months… I was not certain of the longevity of its stay. Maybe it decided to visit from time to time.
20, 19 & 18 November 2010.
I grieved for three days. And in those three days, I did not weep ’til sundown. There were only so much bouts of melancholy. I am a strong person, after all.
18 November 2010.
What was supposed to be a celebrated day ended with distress. It was upon us both, but the magnitude differed. I felt his words sincere yet condescending. Apologies were being thrown at me as if I had only a few minutes to spare in this world. A sign of pity is the same as a sign of an insult…at least that’s how I see it. Pity is what you give to people who you deem as unfortunate, pathetic, weak and vulnerable. And believe me, between me and that person, I have a rather stable ego. I tried to talk him out of it but as they say, you can’t avoid the inevitable. Much like death, and how there is an end to forever.
Forever is a fancy word found in Hallmark cards that you’ll end up throwing away. If forever actually exists, then prove me wrong by answering yes to the following questions: Did you love that person whom you fondly call your significant other even before you were born? Assuming that there is, were you able to traverse to the after life? No and no. I thought so.
Don’t be too conceited and regard yourself as the sole reason for someone’s existence. As with other factors, people get bored with something that gets routinary. Love wavers. It may linger, leave you hanging, wander, or abandon you completely. You can’t love someone forever. You can’t even love someone unconditionally.
Sorry, but even mothers can’t love their children unconditionally. Mothers make rules for our own well-being. But rules are rules. And unconditional means absolute, without bounds, and rules constrict. Sometimes in an argument or in a misunderstanding, they remind their child about the painstaking months they had to endure during pregnancy. As if the child had the convenience to choose. Do they want guilt to strike their child? (I love my mom. Really! I just wanted to point out that humans are incapable of loving unconditionally.)
So consider yourself unlucky if you were born a hopeless romantic who believes in forever. It’s not wrong to risk, and fall in love; it’s healthy even. I believe in love and its wonders. You can be submitted to euphoria and to misery. Love can be bright as day and dark as night. Love should be fondled with the heart but also handled with the mind.
It was not the love that wasn’t that I often thought about, rather it was the friendship. I have forgiven that person long ago for ending almost a half a decade relationship abruptly (And, it was during a time when Christmas was nearing! Just saying!), and leaving me with a cliffhanger question… However, I have not decided yet if I that person’s act of cutting off all forms of contact is forgivable. Maybe it is. That person had the decency to greet me by SMS during my birthday months ago, after all. Perhaps it was the last time. He might have reasons why he decided to disappear like he never existed, but I’ll leave it to that.